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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Be polite to yourself

Being harsh with anyone does not help the other person transform to the level we expect.
This is equally, if not more, applicable to how we treat ourselves in our mind and in our thoughts. Every single thought matters...read on...

We understood while dealing with others that how appreciation can work wonders.

Look at a small child who is just learning to walk. Imagine that the child falls even after his multiple attempts and your repeated instructions. Imagine you getting frustrated and telling him that he is no good, and might never be able to walk. The child is likely to get demotivated especially after looking at others around him and may lose his self confidence.  The child will anyways not have enough courage at that point because of repeated failures, and he might as well drop the idea of getting up and trying again. But how do we teach the child usually. We keep patting him, appreciating him for an improved attempt every time, and making him believe that it is possible, and he must try again. 

Same holds true for our own self, when we are trying to do something new or change an existing habit.
If you are learning to control your anger, which entails learning to think in a very different way, it will take time, you need to be patient, give yourself encouragement to move on, and make the next attempt.

So many times, it is not that it is your fault or that you are wrong. These are just harsh thoughts for yourself. In most cases, it is just that you are not aware of all the things needed to bring the change. As you start becoming more aware, you can surely change yourself. Anything, just anything, can be changed, however stubborn it may seem to be. It may take time, but awareness of the facts will definitely help you change.

I have experienced and realized this fact myself in my life. Getting angry was so natural to me just a few years back. It was a part and parcel of me. I mean, it was "obvious" to get angry when someone shouts at you or hits your car. Slowly, but surely, i became more aware of the facts. Some of the simple facts that changed my mindset were:
  • When i am angry, i am the only one responsible for the anger, and no one else is. After the external trigger, I create my own thoughts and feelings which result in anger.
  • I am doing the maximum harm to myself if i get angry. Others around me, on whom i was trying to target the anger, may or may not get harmed, depending upon their own resilience.
  • Experiencing and Sharing happiness is the sole objective of everyone's life, including mine. Anger is, therefore, just a waste of our life. Nothing is important, if it snatches happiness even for a moment, because that defeats the whole purpose of living.

As i started to implement these realizations in my life, i realized that this grew into being harsh with myself. It took me so many months and years practicing to control my thoughts of anger with repeated failures. Every time i failed, i used to repent, and blame myself for these failures. Previously, i used to justify my anger by blaming others, and now i had no one else to blame and therefore, i went to the other extreme. I was directing all the blame to myself. I started to lose my self esteem since i was unable to change this one habit.

But when you reach this stage, you ought to get more "aware".  Realize that you have just been made aware of these facts of life, just a few months or years back. You are trying to change something (like the habit of anger) that has been with you probably for many births (since we, the soul, carry the "sanskars" forward from one birth to another). It is going to take some doing to change something that old. The good news is that you have become more aware, you are trying. Things will change slowly, do keep doing the effort and results will show up sooner rather than later.

This effort is like you are trying to place a new recording over decades of old recording. With consistent effort, the earlier recording will start fading, But it will happen slowly, it will need consistent practice - but it will happen for sure. Being harsh with ourselves is not going to give us the energy needed to transform. Every negative thought is a negative energy. We need every ounce of energy to transform our self. Pat yourself on your back for a job well done, just because you are "trying" and making an attempt to change yourself - an attribute so rare in most people around us.

You will need the right fuel and energy to change...so no harshness. I want to reassure you not to ever tell yourself that any habit cannot be changed. It is possible to change any habit - with the right understanding, practice and positive energy.
Just like any parent, friend, or a counselor, I must give myself love, acceptance, and advise of wisdom so that i can smoothen this transformational journey, which provides bliss to my soul.

Read more about thought energy
Chapter 5.4 ~ Understanding the Thought to Destiny Cycle - Happiness Unlimited (the book) - Launching April 2014.


Manoj Arora
You are entitled to happiness unlimited !!