"You always tell us to accept whatever happens in our life. Isn't it?" Riya, Kalpesh's 12 year old daughter was getting into a conversation mode.
"Yes, of course I do." Kalpesh responded, being confident of his stand.
"But Dad, if we just keep accepting what is happening around us, there would never be any learning or improvement. Things will always remain as they are today. This is not growth. And you only told us that if we are not growing, we are decaying." asked Riya.
"Yes, you are right. If we are not growing, we are decaying. You have raised a very subtle point. So, let me explain you from the incident that happened last time during your exams." remarked Kalpesh, who had an uncanny ability to relate some of the biggest life lessons to everyday incidents of life.
"OK" Her daughter was all set for a new learning today.
"You really worked hard for your Phase Test last month, and you did your level best, Right?"
"Right Dad."
"But you did not get the 1st Rank. Did that disappoint you?"
"Yes, of course, it did. It would disappoint anyone who works hard for a goal." remarked Riya.
"That is the whole point Riya. You were disappointed because you were not ready to 'accept' the fact that someone can work harder than you, because of which you can be relegated to a 2nd rank. Think about and let me know. Can someone not work harder or smarter than you and take the 1st Rank, in spite of the fact that you did your best?"
There was a pin drop silence.
Kalpesh continued, "The fact is that Riya, no one, absolutely no one, controls the end results. You would never know what it takes to be No. 1 because you do not know how much is the preparation on the other side, because we do not know whether mother luck would be with us on the exam day, because we do not know so many other reasons that may contribute to someone getting a No. 1 rank. Hence, having an expectation based on the result, is a recipe for disappointment in most cases."
"I hear what you say Dad. But here is my dilemma. What will motivate us, if not the end result?"
"Thats a really good question Riya."
"But what is the answer. What will inspire us to work harder next time?"
"The effort."
"But what is the answer. What will inspire us to work harder next time?"
"The effort."
"The effort?" exclaimed Riya
"Yes, the effort towards your goal is the only thing that is in your hands. And I think you did pretty well with your effort during your Phase 1 test, and you should be happy about it. One who puts in good effort knows it immediately. I always believe that we should be celebrating your effort rather than your result."
"How do you know Dad, that effort is the one that motivates us or satisfies us, rather than the end result?"
"It is pretty straightforward. I have personally experienced it many times. I am sure you must have also experienced it. When we give a mediocre effort, but it yields a great result, do you really feel proud of yourself?"
There was again a silence.
"The answer is 'No' Riya. Results don't often satisfy you as much as a great effort does."
"OK, I am getting it a little bit, and how does that relate to Acceptance, as we talked about earlier."
"Yes, after you have made your best effort, you must learn to 'accept' the end results without any prejudice, judgement or conditions. You see, Acceptance is an art which keeps you in a steady frame of mind, and a stable, peaceful and a de-congested mind can think miraculous thoughts. We all need to learn to accept the results, whatever it may be. But at the same time, the art is learning to accept the results, but not mediocre effort."
"I am getting it."
"So, if I did not make enough efforts, then I cannot accept it. I must learn and do better next time, but if I have done my level best, I must learn to accept the end result. This does not mean that we are not going to improve further on our efforts next time. This just means that I want to stay stable and focus all my thought process on making an even better effort next time, rather than getting depressed and wasting my energy over the results."
"Fantastic. Not bothering about the results, just releases so much pressure from me for the next Phase test."
"Of course, it will - because you are now focussing on what is in your control, rather than focussing on what is not. And once we have more control, we feel more comfortable and relaxed."
"This is just great Dad, I feel instant relief. Thanks so much."
The bell rang, the younger one was at the door. It was too early for her to be back from the playground but as my wife opened the door, she was bleeding on her knee. My wife almost screamed looking at the oozing blood, and ran to get cotton and first aid.
She came back with the first aid kit, we did whatever best we could do, to prevent further bleeding. An hour passed. Situation was close to normal - with the kids laughing and playing once again.
Riya went to her mom and said, "Mom, I saw you were so disturbed because of Shreya getting hurt so badly."
"Yes, I was, and it is natural, isn't it?"
"But if you had accepted the situation, you would have been in a stable and calm state of mind - something so critical to help her come out of this pain, isnt it?"
My wife hugged Riya.
I over heard the entire discussion between Riya and her mom. Riya had learnt the fine art of acceptance - an art which seeks non acceptance of mediocre efforts, but readily accepts mediocre results in spite of our best efforts.
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Cheers
Manoj Arora
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